Master Training - from a slave's consideration

Master Training - from a slave's consideration

Written by slave wen

This past weekend I was in New Jersey attending a MAsT Meeting (Masters and slaves Together) with Master Curtis where the topic was “training”. Generally, the focus of discussion was about the importance and need for training slaves, and some of the various methodologies that the attending “masters” utilized. It was generally agreed that for the most part, there tends to be an initial focus on “task” training, where the slave/submissive is trained to do certain tasks in a manner that is pleasing to the “master”. This can be anything from the minute detail of how to place the toilet paper on the roll, the setting and arranging of a breakfast tray, to the more personal and individual preferences for oral and genital sexual acts.

Sitting on the floor, listening to the various “masters” speak, I began to wonder about why the question of “master” training was not being addressed. (I think Master Curtis would call me a bit of a rabble rouser at times!) I looked around the room, and felt that there were very few “masters” who seemed to have the necessary skill-sets for training anyone beyond the “task”-centered phase. This is due in part, because the idea of mentoring and of accountability is something that gets short-changed in our current sets of values and focus in this lifestyle and we seem to have lost accountability on the part of “dominants”. Somehow, it has become standard for submissive partners to blithely give out all information about skills and past experiences and to never question a dominant partner’s own skill-sets and experiences. Even when one goes to the extent of getting and giving references, the value of such information is still questionable in my mind. Also, I think that a lot of us get so focused on the sexual thrill and fantasy fulfillment of entering into these relationships that we make a lot of assumptions about both dominant and submissive partners in such relationships. Why is it that when it comes to BDSM relationships we tend to be less thorough in our assessment of someone’s qualifications than we are when we are interviewing potential employees or caregivers?

As the meeting progressed, we split into separate groups for Masters and slaves. In continuting the discussion, the slaves explored the issues of training from being “sent” elsewhere for certain skill-sets to the more specific behavior modifications that some masters might engage in, and even a few who had some experience with masters in hypnosis. In the slave room, I began to address the lack of accountability we hold our “masters” to for their own continuing education. I suggested that we begin to examine why we do not hold the Masters to a similar set of standards and why we don’t encourage them to go elsewhere for certain skill-sets – like relationship development, people skills, and human behavior and psychology. For instance, when I was in the corporate world, I was expected to participate in and to attend management conferences. We do have our own versions of such conferences in the BDSM world – where skill-sets for whipping, flogging and blood sports are taught, along with seminars on spirituality and psychology. There are many opportunities to continue to educate oneself about human behavior outside of BDSM– from local college courses, seminars and even self-help sections of a book store. After some discussion about why we engage in our relationships with our Masters, and what we wanted from our choices to be slaves, I noted that it seemed like what we were really requiring or hoping from our Masters were basically the skills and services of a kinky-oriented life coach.

Sadly, I still say that most of the self-professed “masters” and “dominants” of experience in our BDSM lifestyle are those that have wonderfully developed skill-sets in training someone to perform the specific tasks that bring them personal and private pleasure. This is what I call ego-centered Mastery. I have long suspected that one of the reasons it seems BDSM relationships last less than 3 years is because once someone has been trained to specific tasks the thrill of the hunt and the wonder of experience wanes to a thin strand of connection. What remains absent is the deeper and more challenging aspects of healthy human relationships. The skill-sets required for this are not something that are learned just from books, and certainly not from the porn-centered stories we titillate ourselves with. These skill-sets are honed from the wider life experiencees and skills that are developed in business and family relationships, and involve an accountability for personal behaviors that result in continued examination of the self and spirit. They require that someone be Master of hymself first before seeking to Master someone else, and that those who seek slavery as a way of personal fulfillment also be in command first of the personal self before being able to be commanded by another. (Otherwise what value is that which you are giving or which is being taken?)

Of course, a lot of unhealthy relationships are long-lasting because they complement one another’s weaknesses and strengths – like the dominant who seeks to control others because she is out of control of herself, and the submissive who serves her successfully because she needs to be manipulating. Instead, what I am addressing are the necessary requirements for realizing a healthy relationship that invokes dominance and submission. The premise for this is that each of the individuals is committed to being in a healthy relationship with themselves first.

When I suggested that the skills of a life coach are what we are seeking in “masters” at the New Jersey MAsT Meeting, there was a bit of a silence, followed by a lot of “a-ha” moments and then a general, though vague, consensus of agreement. I'm not sure if the agreement was a group form of "closing down" the topic, or if it was the planting of new seeds in thinking about why each of us seeks to be in a power-exchange relationship. I do feel that a few who began to think critically of what they should expect from their Masters began to realize that rather than expansion and growth in their relationships they were fostering contraction and subjegation. For some, this may be a healthy model - yet, for a few, I got the feeling that the One they served now would not be the One they would serve in the distant future unless some Master-level training took place.

So, my questions for slaves seeking potential Masters are:


• What questions do you ask of potential Masters? Are you as thorough in your exploration of Master/slave relationship compatibilities as you are in assessing potential employees or caregivers?

• What are some of the courses or books that you would want to know your potential Master has read and would care to discuss with hym or hir? What do these answers reveal about core values of yourself and your potential Master? And what is the minimum acceptable “grade” for passing?

• What life skills outside of BDSM should a Master possess? Success in business? Family relationships? Life and hobby interests? Religion & Spirituality? Others?

• Do you even want to engage in training beyond “task” orientation? In other words, what are you seeking in your own Master/slave relationship that other relationships can not meet? What makes the Master/slave path important for you?

• How do you assess if a Master is skilled in behavior and mindset training? Is it just hys or hir statement, or do you expect references, evidence, and how do you go about confirming such? What would you need to personally feel comfortable in assessing a Master had skills beyond "task" training?

• What qualifications for a Master would you require on a check-list for yourself?

• What do you think the skills and qualification for Masters are? What do you want from your Master/slave relationship? Contraction, control, containment? Expansion, growth, freedom? Some combination of extremes? Some balance of opposites? Something entirely different from these concepts? Is the Master willing to share hys or hir vision of Mastery with you? Why or why not?

• Has the Master invested time in developing a household manual, protocols, contracts, philosophies of power exchange? Can these be easily shared via written words and clear explanations or are they vague concepts with rambling thoughts and no depth?

• What training or conferences would you want your Master to attend, if any?

I think we do not give ourselves permission to demand more of our Masters. Until we begin, there will continue to be a lot of short-term relationships among increasingly frustrated slaves and Masters.

© 2006 slave wen